Female Domination

I am back to this blog.

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to write to the world anonymously of the troubles deep down in my heart, that I cannot express publicly.

I have a strange fetish since childhood, or should I say adolescence. It is that of female domination, known popularly in the internet world as "femdom". It is only when I was in college, that I got to know that there existed a separate femdom subculture, and there was so much taboo around it. I dont get aroused so much by normal porn, I discovered in college, when friends and I started watching porn for the first time. However, even a simple female domination story on a text file would put me into an orgasmic ecstasy.

Since those college days, I have come a long way. My tastes in literature, music etc. have changed. But my sexual tastes have not. This is also the reason that I could not get into a relationship. Most girls who have liked me are nice, sweet girls, not the bitchy type that I fantasize. I have probably fallen in love with some of them, but they did not arouse me. And I have always been torn about this difference between love and sexual desire, which do not follow a normal sequence for me.

Apart from this, I have also learned to live a large part of my life in complete secrecy, trying at various times to overcome this habit of mine. However, this is one thing in life, at which I have been a pathetic failure. This fetish has also had a negative effect on my social life. Fantasizing myself as a humiliated, pathetic male falling at the feet of beautiful females, has led to low self esteem, a very submissive personality in general. I find it extremely hard to make any kind of authoritative statements, to resolutely ask people to do something, and very uncomfortable in a position of authority. Because of this, I realize, I do not get the respect I deserve in various social situations, which makes me a bitter person.

Yes, I have a problem, I agree with you, dear reader. I am probably going to seek help, finally. I plan to go the counseling unit, and ask for help. I have been thinking about it, but have not been able to get it done finally for sometime now. I know I will feel very uncomfortable talking to somebody else in person about all this, which I just wrote in the blog.

The only expression that my fetish has received, is in the form of writing. I have written a few short stories and am writing a novel on female domination. Much of it is from my own childhood fantasies. I thought instead of feeling miserable about it always, why not vent a little creatively atleast.

Finally, I know lots of people will probably find me very sick, and stop reading the blog from this post onwards. My apologies, but this blog is about dark honest confessions, not about putting forward a nice sophisticated face of myself, not about getting friends, traffic etc. It is the only place where I express myself without any need for approval, appreciation, anything.

Lonely, troubled as ever.

I feel the need to write this blog again.

This is my safety valve.

When I need to dump my stress, there seems to be none to whom i can confide.

except this piece of paper here.

Anonimity has its own benefits.

I hate to live out my life. No one loves me, no one trusts me. I suddenly feel so alone, so left out.

After achieving everything, nobody seems to have a respect for me.

What, then, is the use of achieving more?

I find everything so futile nowadays.

My PhD is probably going to be a failure. My first paper is yet to come out. Is my social life any good. Well, it is non existent. And I am almost given up the hope of falling in love.

Anyway, I am universally disliked. So, I dont see a reason why a girl will like me also. Yes, there are a few girls, who would indeed like to be engaged to me, but their reasons are so petty, I would not even call that love.

It turned out to be an incoherent rant. I guess that is what it started out as. I need to get married or get a girlfriend atleast, otherwise I see no respite from this situation. It seems to be a hopeless sitation. I want to run away from it all. I want to take a holiday, a break. But where to go, who to go to. I just want to cry in somebody's lap for sometime. A moment of solace, a kindly hand, thats all I want. I want to confess to somebody...

Yes, I know that sounds very christian. Probably so dostoyevskian. Probably thats what I need, religion! But I am too much of an atheist to ever believe in one, or maybe like Raskalnikov, I too will start believing someday. I wonder now how man can live without a religion, in the same way I used to wonder in my childhood, how man can live with one.

Such are the puzzles of time.

At one time, I also used to wonder, why do people marry? Now, I wonder, how can people survive without marrying? They must not have any secrets. Or do they shout their dark confessions to stone walls in the depth of the night, while the world sleeps. Do their confessions all pile up inside their hearts, and overflow with tears, or do they suffer silently, like me.

I have too much of a vanity in real life, to even acknowledge that I am alone, that I need a friend, that I am suffering terribly. I could probably never write this passage from my real blog. Oh! how I wish I could!

There, I will keep on writing about high flowing philosophy, literature, politics which I do just because I am alone. Yes, that is the truth. Seriously. I would probably not spend my Friday night reading Kierkegaaard if I had a woman with whom I could enjoy a quiet glass of wine, and probably discuss mundane things. All the serious stuff is just to fill the emptyness of my life, to fill the void of a lonely night. How ridiculous will I look if I try to make these confessions from my real blog!

Anyway, I am tired of the world.

Success

Is success important?

why and to whom.

I seem to be a confused soul. Nothing seems really important to me anyhow.

especially the need to make a career etc.

Why should one be successful? does success make one happy? rarely. I see a lot of very successful people who are unhappy as hell. In fact, they don't have a proper life, toiling away at their work day and night. These are the people who make it to the top in academia. But is it really worth it? I mean getting all publications and such burning midnight oil. You lose the best years of your life.

And the guy in the street really doesn't care if you published in PRL or Nature. Nor would your social circle care, unless they belong to the same discipline as you. Then who really cares?

And who really considers you successful?

There are thousands who would consider you unsuccessful and trivialize your highest achievements as "middle class" etc. Then why care and become successful. There are so many people out there perfectly contented to have a wife and a nine to five job that pays moderately well. Why become a hardworking successful stud, with little personal life?

I feel confused, and hence come back to write again. I have a little more than a year before my PhD ends. I dont even know if I want to do anything after that. The only thing that I would probably like to do is to stay in the US. This is because it is so much more convenient here than in India. Other than that, I do not feel interested in anything much that goes on in the world or around me. I dont even feel passionate about my work. Like nobody in the community cares, and I too dont care much, though I sort of like it.

Single Life

Why do people choose to be single. I know people who have remained single throughout their life. There are also middle aged people who are single.

Who do they choose to remain so?

Single life is depressing at best. Everybody needs sex, atleast I assume everybody does. For a single it is difficult. Even in USA which is a more open society, it is difficult to have NSA. It is expensive and illegal to go to a prostitute, most importantly, it is also dangerous. Sexual frustration builds up, it affects everyday life. This is unbearable. Then people go to strip clubs, and pay women just to have their hips grinded on their thighs. Why would somebody want to do that. Unless of course somebody is as desperate as I am.

I dont know.

Most of all, there are emotional needs. Everybody has emotional needs. Everybody wants a shoulder to lean back on, to rest. The world can be a cruel place. Where does one find peace, if not on the shoulder of a loved one.

I would rather marry somebody with whom I am not perfectly matched, than remain single. A few months before also, I used to think differently. Now, things are slowly changing. I think most people come to this realization . Or maybe not. who knows.

Misc.

Life is lonely. I mostly mix with the Indian community here. Well, even that is an overshoot. Not really. I don't normally go to the "Indian" Association stuff like Diwali etc. WTF! Its kinda not my thing. I am more of a quiet person.

I mostly mix with people from my region (like people who speak the same mother tongue as me). So thats a quite restrictive friend's circle. Its a small one, but I used to feel comfortable in it. But these days, I find mot of these people terribly irritating. Most of them are from the cities, whereas I am from a small town. The small town disdain always shows in their regular conversations, which I like, totally totally hate. Its difficult to sit through their conversations sometimes these days, let alone participate. Also, there are a few new people in the group, who are like, extreme egotists.

Why is it so difficult for people to have normal, relaxing conversations, without demeaning others etc? And why does socializing need such enormous efforts. I mean its sort of affecting my studies too. I was supposed to do an assignment in the weekend. I wasted the whole time thinking about my obnoxious friends and all. This is so depressing. Maybe, I should change my friends circle. But thats easier said than done. I want to get out of PhD and this place asap, i am kind of tired of this BS.

or maybe a more optimistic thought is to go mix with a lot of other people. That might help. I dont know.

BTW, I am still doing the strip club thing. I spent about $70 the other day in the club. I sort of felt desperate, and cheated. The girl was some old hag, who promised me a few extra frills. She did offer the extra frills, but it was not as great as I thought it would be. The unaffected business like behavior does not turn me on. But I guess I am going back this week too.

WTF! I cant believe I am sitting here writing this. Havent had food. I have stopped cooking at home a long time ago. I survive mainly on Subway etc. I must go get some a subway 6 inch, and complete the rest of the homework. Although I dont feel like doing anything. I feel totally demotivated. No social life, no girlfriend, only dreary work. Well, the work does interest me and I guess that is why I am still surviving. But I am also sort of reaching a breaking point. I am tired of fighting battles alone.

Strip Clubs

First, let me just come out a little. I am Indian, as some of you might have already guessed. Thats not too much of a coming out anyway, since Indians make up the highest percentage of foreign grad students in the United States. But it helps to understand some of my cultural references.

I have started going to the strip club for a few weeks now. It seems to be the only safe, affordable, legal way of getting rid of some of my sexual frustrations. Also, I am "feeling" women for the first time in my life. Its kind of sad that I have never felt a woman's touch (not the motherly or the auntly one) in my life, and of all places, it is a strip club where I have to go to experience it. However, it is helpful to me for a number of reasons. It gives a safe outlet to my frustrated sexual desires, which keeps it from going too kinky and all. I am slowly becoming more vanilla, or so I hope.

Anyway, so I was thinking of going to the club today (I find it really funny that they call it a Gentleman's club) but dropped the idea because of the rains. Also because on Sunday there's a student discount on the cover in a more upscale place(again I find it funny, student discount in a strip club), so I thought I may as well waste my one dollar notes there.

So, my bus was going along the street where the joint is. I suddenly remembered the conversation with a stripper I was having. This stripper, who was particularly kind to me in letting me touch her, told me her name was Kendra. So I was searching for the name in the club website,but could not locate her in the dancer schedule. So that reminded me of an old old Hindi movie I saw in my childhood, where the herione is a "wasted woman" who asks the hero "mere naam nahi puchhoge?" (Wont you ask my name?) and the hero answers "Poochne se faayda, tum jaise ladki to kapre ke tarah apne nam badalte ho" (Whats the point in asking, girls like you change their names as frequently as they change dresses"). I also remembered how strict my parents were about watching Hindi movies. Apparently, watching such movies were supposedly going to spoil your character. huh!

I had a silent chuckle about their conservatism, and what that has led to. Simple entertainments were not permitted since they would spoil the child's character, and here is the child, a few years from that, going to cheap strip joints and spending money on a stripper. I was wondering what they would think of the success of their parenting! :-)

Socializing at Conference

I am at a conference, like some top conference in my field. I am still not comfortable with a lot of stuff in the field. In terms of science, I feel like I will have to learn a lot before I can really go to most of these talks and understand stuff. I understand some of the stuff, but a lot of it still eludes me.

Anyway, what eludes me more is the socializing at conf. thing. Important people talking to each other etc. Advisors are supposed to introduce you to people, but A doesn't. And I don't know why. A knows almost everybody worth knowking here. But she has not introduced me to anybody, not even her own advisor. This is ridiculous! A is not really a bad advisor in many ways, but I found this totally totally rude. especially because this is not the rule. She is introducing my former lab mate to a lot of people. So, i was majorly pissed throughout the conference, trying to go about like some outsider standing in a corner.

Whatever, my talk went okay. Although I would have liked to go to a conference more directly related to my work. People here are sort of excited about the work but they don't understand the nitty gritties of the work. So, I did not get extremely relevant questions. rather it was more like "I saw X happening in the movie you showed" or "what happens if you do Y experiment"