The ship is sinking.

And here I am, sitting here. I am trying my best. But there is little that I can do about it.

Here, my life is slowly disintegrating, and I can do little about it.

My PhD never really went well. Now, I have a deadline to finish up stuff and graduate. There is still lots of work that needs to be done, and I find it very difficult to finish all the work by the end of the spring semester. I do not know how I will finally manage to get all the work done.

My post doc search is so hopeless that I haven't even started. There is little progress on that front, and there is little motivation. Now that I am doing a PhD on stuff that I do not want to do after this, I dont know if people will offer me post doc in what I want to do.

Also, my personal life is stuck in hell. No girlfriend, and my mother is pushing me to an arranged marraige. I don't want to go into it right now, but I dont have many options. I need to find a girl of choice in that case, and I dont see that working out. There is also tremendous social pressure to hook up.

So, finally, at the end of the day, I stare as my life drifts away, and I sink down, deeper. There is little to hold on to.

Female Domination

I am back to this blog.

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to write to the world anonymously of the troubles deep down in my heart, that I cannot express publicly.

I have a strange fetish since childhood, or should I say adolescence. It is that of female domination, known popularly in the internet world as "femdom". It is only when I was in college, that I got to know that there existed a separate femdom subculture, and there was so much taboo around it. I dont get aroused so much by normal porn, I discovered in college, when friends and I started watching porn for the first time. However, even a simple female domination story on a text file would put me into an orgasmic ecstasy.

Since those college days, I have come a long way. My tastes in literature, music etc. have changed. But my sexual tastes have not. This is also the reason that I could not get into a relationship. Most girls who have liked me are nice, sweet girls, not the bitchy type that I fantasize. I have probably fallen in love with some of them, but they did not arouse me. And I have always been torn about this difference between love and sexual desire, which do not follow a normal sequence for me.

Apart from this, I have also learned to live a large part of my life in complete secrecy, trying at various times to overcome this habit of mine. However, this is one thing in life, at which I have been a pathetic failure. This fetish has also had a negative effect on my social life. Fantasizing myself as a humiliated, pathetic male falling at the feet of beautiful females, has led to low self esteem, a very submissive personality in general. I find it extremely hard to make any kind of authoritative statements, to resolutely ask people to do something, and very uncomfortable in a position of authority. Because of this, I realize, I do not get the respect I deserve in various social situations, which makes me a bitter person.

Yes, I have a problem, I agree with you, dear reader. I am probably going to seek help, finally. I plan to go the counseling unit, and ask for help. I have been thinking about it, but have not been able to get it done finally for sometime now. I know I will feel very uncomfortable talking to somebody else in person about all this, which I just wrote in the blog.

The only expression that my fetish has received, is in the form of writing. I have written a few short stories and am writing a novel on female domination. Much of it is from my own childhood fantasies. I thought instead of feeling miserable about it always, why not vent a little creatively atleast.

Finally, I know lots of people will probably find me very sick, and stop reading the blog from this post onwards. My apologies, but this blog is about dark honest confessions, not about putting forward a nice sophisticated face of myself, not about getting friends, traffic etc. It is the only place where I express myself without any need for approval, appreciation, anything.

Lonely, troubled as ever.

I feel the need to write this blog again.

This is my safety valve.

When I need to dump my stress, there seems to be none to whom i can confide.

except this piece of paper here.

Anonimity has its own benefits.

I hate to live out my life. No one loves me, no one trusts me. I suddenly feel so alone, so left out.

After achieving everything, nobody seems to have a respect for me.

What, then, is the use of achieving more?

I find everything so futile nowadays.

My PhD is probably going to be a failure. My first paper is yet to come out. Is my social life any good. Well, it is non existent. And I am almost given up the hope of falling in love.

Anyway, I am universally disliked. So, I dont see a reason why a girl will like me also. Yes, there are a few girls, who would indeed like to be engaged to me, but their reasons are so petty, I would not even call that love.

It turned out to be an incoherent rant. I guess that is what it started out as. I need to get married or get a girlfriend atleast, otherwise I see no respite from this situation. It seems to be a hopeless sitation. I want to run away from it all. I want to take a holiday, a break. But where to go, who to go to. I just want to cry in somebody's lap for sometime. A moment of solace, a kindly hand, thats all I want. I want to confess to somebody...

Yes, I know that sounds very christian. Probably so dostoyevskian. Probably thats what I need, religion! But I am too much of an atheist to ever believe in one, or maybe like Raskalnikov, I too will start believing someday. I wonder now how man can live without a religion, in the same way I used to wonder in my childhood, how man can live with one.

Such are the puzzles of time.

At one time, I also used to wonder, why do people marry? Now, I wonder, how can people survive without marrying? They must not have any secrets. Or do they shout their dark confessions to stone walls in the depth of the night, while the world sleeps. Do their confessions all pile up inside their hearts, and overflow with tears, or do they suffer silently, like me.

I have too much of a vanity in real life, to even acknowledge that I am alone, that I need a friend, that I am suffering terribly. I could probably never write this passage from my real blog. Oh! how I wish I could!

There, I will keep on writing about high flowing philosophy, literature, politics which I do just because I am alone. Yes, that is the truth. Seriously. I would probably not spend my Friday night reading Kierkegaaard if I had a woman with whom I could enjoy a quiet glass of wine, and probably discuss mundane things. All the serious stuff is just to fill the emptyness of my life, to fill the void of a lonely night. How ridiculous will I look if I try to make these confessions from my real blog!

Anyway, I am tired of the world.

Success

Is success important?

why and to whom.

I seem to be a confused soul. Nothing seems really important to me anyhow.

especially the need to make a career etc.

Why should one be successful? does success make one happy? rarely. I see a lot of very successful people who are unhappy as hell. In fact, they don't have a proper life, toiling away at their work day and night. These are the people who make it to the top in academia. But is it really worth it? I mean getting all publications and such burning midnight oil. You lose the best years of your life.

And the guy in the street really doesn't care if you published in PRL or Nature. Nor would your social circle care, unless they belong to the same discipline as you. Then who really cares?

And who really considers you successful?

There are thousands who would consider you unsuccessful and trivialize your highest achievements as "middle class" etc. Then why care and become successful. There are so many people out there perfectly contented to have a wife and a nine to five job that pays moderately well. Why become a hardworking successful stud, with little personal life?

I feel confused, and hence come back to write again. I have a little more than a year before my PhD ends. I dont even know if I want to do anything after that. The only thing that I would probably like to do is to stay in the US. This is because it is so much more convenient here than in India. Other than that, I do not feel interested in anything much that goes on in the world or around me. I dont even feel passionate about my work. Like nobody in the community cares, and I too dont care much, though I sort of like it.