So, I am 28 now, and still single. This is not viewed kindly in the society that I come from. I have been branded as a loser by many in my social circle, one reason that I have withdrawn myself from my immediate social circle. I have tried to mix with others to broaden my social circle, but that hasn't helped a lot. Now, I know a lot of people, but I have few good friends. Well, actually none, but I am ashamed to admit this.
So the question is, why still am I single. Well, the answer in itself is a long and windy rant. First of all, as I have expressed before on this forum, I have a "femdom" fetish, which means that rather than having a normal relationship with a woman, I find it more arousing, or get more turned on by being a submissive to a dominant woman. I have never been turned on by sexual intercourse, and I am very ashamed to admit this. But, this, my friend, is true. This is the only place where I can admit this fearlessly.
I find a more dominant woman more attractive. Foot fetish is what turns me on more. Now, as I have alluded to in the blog description, you are free to think I am a pervert, I am sick etc. etc. but I don't really care. This is how I am, and in the end an opinion is just that, merely an opinion. However, in certain circles in the US, this is quite acceptable. In the last one year, I have been a part of the BDSM circle in my local city. This has, at the very least, been very reassuring. I now know that a lot of other people, who are actually quite normal people that you see in the street everyday, are turned on by these things, and actually practice it in their real lives. I have also been involved with a woman as a "play partner" where we have played mistress-slave games for the evening. We do not have any kind of relationship beyond that. She is a happily married woman, who participates with her husband's consent. It was my first experience of being a submissive. We have now done it for a few months, and to tell you the truth, I have not enjoyed it as much as my fantasies. She is a very sweet woman, its just that I don't find her sexually atractive in the way I want her to be. I kinda want to get out of this thing with her, but it is hard for me to tell her that.
So that's one story. I will probably write about it more later. Other than that, the doors for a vanilla (i.e. normal) relationship with somebody from my own country and mother tongue are closed for me. I would like to marry somebody from my own region (i.e. same mother tongue), but being in the US, the sample space gets too small. Also, as you might have have guessed, I am kinda selective about the people I want to marry. I just cannot marry anybody ordinary, especially if she does not have a taste for the more finer intellectual things. So, all this now makes my probability of getting married much much less. So I am stuck here.
Over and above all this, I do not want to do arranged marriage. Even if I do agree to it on principle, what it means is that I get to know the bride after my parents have fixed everything. That is not at all acceptable to me, especially for the reasons that I have outlined above.
After all this complication, there is also my physical need. I am 28 and still a virgin. I don't even know whether I can participate in a normal sexual intercourse. I have also been subject to chauvinistic teasing by my friends for this. This is killing me and ruining my life. What if I can never be a sexually normal ever, atleast to carry out these basic sexual functions. That means more drama after I get engaged/married even if I manage to get there. What is the point then of all this fight I have put throughout the years to become extraordinary, to study in one of India's most elite institutes, to study in an Ivy league American grad school. All this does not make any sense to me now.
In the end, I need to get into a relationship soon. I feel very alone, I feel very left out in society. I don't know what to do or where to go. I always fear that I don't go into depression. I am always fighting depression at the back of my mind. I have sunk into depression previously, and I know what a living hell it is. I am confused and without a direction as ever. In the midst of all this is my daily struggle in an adverse economy. I am lucky to have a job in this economy. And i don't even know what the future holds for me. I don't want to get stuck in a postdoc for long. But unless my publications come through, I can also not get a job. Then there are visa issues and all. So that's that. Let me go back to doing some packing. I have relieved myself a little of the burden I constantly carry.
1 comment:
There are two issues to be dealt with here. First is whether you feel you want to get out of being turned on by femdom etc etc especially as u see that in actuality it isn't as satisfying as in fantasy. Second is HOW to get out of it.
Suppression isnt the way, suppressing innate desires only cause them to come out with greater force. The correct way is transmutation. As an example of the difference between suppression and transmutation of desires consider this: As a child u sucked on ur thumb or played with toy cars. Now you don't. Did you suppress this desire? No; it got transmuted in the process of growing up.
In the same way any desire thats got hold of u now, but which is really strong, and which you want to giveup, has to be transmuted. Now transmutation can't be done by just saying i wont indulge in this desire. That is a kind of suppression. Rather, you must put your energies into some other consuming desire that will so enchant your mind that you will no longer find your older desires necessary. In other words replace 'lower pleasures' with 'higher' ones.
Which brings us to the next part. What is this higher pleasure that will so bewitch you that you will find no cause to get back into your older desires. That you have to find out for yourself. However One such pleasure is God (since you talk of religion). It is not about god-worship which is a one-way street where you worship god and he remains silent. What I am talking about is God-communion, like the saints do, where they talk to God and God to them. A god that is unreachable is of no use to us. Of course it is a slow process. One cant even learn trigonometry overnight! But it can be what you re looking for.
As one way of going on this path, I suggest reading "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Paramhansa Yogananda. Buy it on amazon or read it online at http://www.ananda.org/inspiration/books/ay/
Yogananda used to say that as one beings to experience the joy of god communion, he sees that this joy is so superior to sense pleasures that automatically these pleasures start becoming meaningless to him. That is true transmutation of desires. I quote one of his statements "I weighed God and temptation and found God to be more tempting than temptation itself!"
Btw don't be discouraged by your anomalies. But dont define yourself by them. Yogananda said that gold, even if covered by a mountain of dirt still remains gold. Wash the dirt away and the gold will shine again. Similarly as the bliss of god communion starts washing away all the dirt of self definitions (that each of us have) the gold nature of our soul will start shining again.
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