One of the main reasons I started this blog was to write to the world anonymously of the troubles deep down in my heart, that I cannot express publicly.
I have a strange fetish since childhood, or should I say adolescence. It is that of female domination, known popularly in the internet world as "femdom". It is only when I was in college, that I got to know that there existed a separate femdom subculture, and there was so much taboo around it. I dont get aroused so much by normal porn, I discovered in college, when friends and I started watching porn for the first time. However, even a simple female domination story on a text file would put me into an orgasmic ecstasy.
Since those college days, I have come a long way. My tastes in literature, music etc. have changed. But my sexual tastes have not. This is also the reason that I could not get into a relationship. Most girls who have liked me are nice, sweet girls, not the bitchy type that I fantasize. I have probably fallen in love with some of them, but they did not arouse me. And I have always been torn about this difference between love and sexual desire, which do not follow a normal sequence for me.
Apart from this, I have also learned to live a large part of my life in complete secrecy, trying at various times to overcome this habit of mine. However, this is one thing in life, at which I have been a pathetic failure. This fetish has also had a negative effect on my social life. Fantasizing myself as a humiliated, pathetic male falling at the feet of beautiful females, has led to low self esteem, a very submissive personality in general. I find it extremely hard to make any kind of authoritative statements, to resolutely ask people to do something, and very uncomfortable in a position of authority. Because of this, I realize, I do not get the respect I deserve in various social situations, which makes me a bitter person.
Yes, I have a problem, I agree with you, dear reader. I am probably going to seek help, finally. I plan to go the counseling unit, and ask for help. I have been thinking about it, but have not been able to get it done finally for sometime now. I know I will feel very uncomfortable talking to somebody else in person about all this, which I just wrote in the blog.
The only expression that my fetish has received, is in the form of writing. I have written a few short stories and am writing a novel on female domination. Much of it is from my own childhood fantasies. I thought instead of feeling miserable about it always, why not vent a little creatively atleast.
Finally, I know lots of people will probably find me very sick, and stop reading the blog from this post onwards. My apologies, but this blog is about dark honest confessions, not about putting forward a nice sophisticated face of myself, not about getting friends, traffic etc. It is the only place where I express myself without any need for approval, appreciation, anything.
3 comments:
never heard of the term...hmm everyone has something, some addiction, something they want to be free of. This is my nugget of gold for such situations:
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.
Don't know what else to say. You are not the only one. And there is no need to think of this as a special something. I'm pretty sure that there might be others having this trouble.
Yeah, it might be hard to say this to a person..I can see that. Don't know what to suggest. Hey, I'll pray for you, so that you do what you need to do. May I suggest you pray for yourself too? You might be doing it anyway. But just saying. Sorry if you are offended with religion talk.
I force myself to see myself not as 'bad,evil' person but as a saint who sins occasionally. Hope it helps!
VJ
Thanks for your kind words and also for reading this patiently.
Indeed, religion is man's great solace. I have been raised as an atheist, but the older I become, I am more attracted to religion.
Reading Dostoyevsky has opened my eyes. Today, I see in religion, man's only savor.
Again, thank you for your support
I read that book a couple of years ago.....it was realistic, he describes the feelings/inner workings of human mind well. Haven't read much Russian novels, I find them too realistic, tragic and LONG:)
Religion, I'm not a big on it. Religion to me is a list. List of dos and donts which keep changing with time, people in power and what suits some. I believe God exists and there is more to him than a list. I am trying to find more myself. If I'll look, I'll find.
It is good to read of another student in grad school:)
VJ
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